Living Backwards
Reflection on breaking free from the prison of regret and "what-ifs," reminding us that true life happens in the present moment, not in imagined alternate pasts.
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"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, 'It might have been.'" — Kurt Vonnegut
It hits you at the strangest moments.
Maybe you're doing something mundane - washing dishes, driving home, or lying in bed. And suddenly, there it is.
That memory.
That choice.
That moment where your life split into two paths, and you wonder about the one you didn't take.
"What if I had taken that job?"
"What if I had told her how I felt?"
The past becomes this elaborate choose-your-own-adventure book, where every untaken path glows with the false promise of perfection. In our minds, the road not taken always leads to paradise.
We're like archaeologists of regret, digging up old choices and polishing them until they shine with imagined possibilities.
"We suffer more often in imagination than in reality." — Seneca
Those alternate timelines we create? They're fantasies. In our imagined versions, everything works out perfectly. The risks all pay off. The bold choices all lead to success. The heart never gets broken.
We forget that the other path had its own cliffs. Its own storms. Its own moments that would have left us wondering "what if?"
We're all guilty of this magical thinking. This belief that somewhere out there exists a perfect version of our life - if only we had known better, chosen better, been better.
And we dress it up in noble clothes. Call it "learning from the past" or "gaining wisdom."
But most of the time, it's not learning.
It's longing.
It's punishment.
Think about it. When was the last time your regret actually taught you something new? When was the last time staring at an old choice actually helped you make a better new one?
Usually, we already know the lesson.
We're just not ready to let go of the pain.
"Don't seek to have events happen as you wish, but wish them to happen as they do happen, and all will be well with you." — Epictetus
Because pain, even the pain of regret, can become comfortable. Familiar. Like an old poison we've grown immune to.
We curl up in our "what-ifs" like blankets.
We wear our "if-onlys" like armor.
We collect our "might-have-beens" like treasures.
And while we're looking backward, life keeps moving forward.
Real opportunities pass us by unnoticed.
Present joys go untasted.
The actual life we're living fades into a shadow of the imaginary ones we're mourning.
But here's what we forget about those past choices: they were made by a different you.
You didn't know then what you know now.
You couldn't see then what you see now.
You weren't then who you are now.
And that's not a failure - that's being human.
The person you are today, with all your wisdom and hindsight, didn't exist back then. You were working with what you had. You were doing your best with the tools you possessed.
Your power isn't in the past.
Your story isn't in the "what-ifs."
Your life isn't in some parallel universe.
It's here.
In this moment.
In what you choose next.
Try this: Next time regret comes knocking, don't open the door. Instead, open your eyes to what's in front of you.
Ask yourself:
"What's actually available to me right now?"
"What choice can I make in this moment?"
"What step can I take from here?"
Because every moment spent living backwards is a moment stolen from living forward.
Your life isn't a book where you can flip back to edit old chapters.
It's being written now.
In this moment.
With each breath.
With each choice.
The past is a closed door.
But ahead of you?
A thousand doors wait to be opened.
A thousand paths wait to be taken.
A thousand moments wait to be lived.
Stop living in the shadow of "what if."
Stop dying in the graveyard of "might have been."
Your story isn't in reimagining the past.
Your life isn't waiting in old choices.
It's here.
It's now.
It's next.
And that?
That's still yours to choose.
That's still yours to live.
The time to live is not in memories.
The time to choose is not in retrospect.
The time to act is not in imagination.
The time is now.
And now is enough.
Stay stoic,
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Brilliant. Thank you.
This was a great read. I definitely be having this train of thought moving forward.